We are talking about Swimming, right? (Or something like that)

I've been swimming before but I did so carelessly and thoughtlessly. I jumped in to the water not even seeing how deep it was, stubbed my toes in the shallow end and as I swam to the deep end started to drown. The first time I was saved quickly and it hurt, but I forgot easily. So I went back out and jumped hard. This time though with a broken foot from jumping so hard, I tried to kick but due to the broken foot almost drowned. For minutes I was flailing in the water, screaming trying to breath, choking on water, and then as I fainted I was rescued by the greatest lifeguard. Truly he saved my life. Not only that but he nursed me back to health and helped me get a cast for my leg. Well then the summer was done and due to healing and fear I did not go back in the water that summer. But now it's a new summer and I stand only dipping my toes in the water. I don't even know if I want to get my hair wet. I'm committed to swimming and being outside, but I don't know if I will actually get fully in the water. If I were to be honest I am scared to get in. What if I drown again? I trust my life guard but I'm scared. I need to learn how to swim. I need to do it the right way, and eventually I will make it to the deep end. But who knows if it will be this time of swimming. We will see. But I do know this. I trust you God and you are faithful at always saving me.

Let me be your Valentine

Good Morning Beautiful,

Do you know just how beautiful I think you are? Do you know how dearly loved you are? I have a suspicion that you might not so I wanted to take the time this morning and write out just how truly loved you are.

Today is Valentine's Day and I know the struggle you might be facing. Other days of the year it might be easier to overlook that you feel unloved at times but today is one of those days that can make it seem as though you are all alone. I want you to know right now that you are not. I want you to know that from the very moment of your existence I have been chasing after you with my love. In fact far before you were ever born, I made the decision to sacrifice for you. Did you catch that, I sacrificed for YOU because I want you to be with me and I love you with a crazy love that doesn’t even make sense.

Let me tell you more about this crazy love that I have for you. I’ll start with a story found in a book that I wrote so that you would know who I am and know my promises to you. This story if you want to read it is in Hosea. I know that you feel unlovable at times and that your past and your struggles are things you think keeps you from me, but I had a man named Hosea love a prostitute to show you just how deeply, madly, and crazy in love with you I am. I asked him to love someone who wouldn’t love him back right away. She would go out and cheat on him time and time again, and I asked Hosea to go and buy her back after she was being sold for next to nothing, because the world could no longer see that she had worth. The world could not see her worth but I could. I saw the pain in her eyes. My heart hurt when her heart hurt and when she chose to walk away from her marriage because she didn’t think she deserved that kind of love. My heart broke as she choose lust over love, and my heart breaks in the same way for you. You my love, are not unlovable but completely valuable. I don’t know when you will chose me but I am here and when you decide to chose me I need you to know, love, that I have paid the price to buy you back.

The price I paid for you was not cheap. I sent my son, Jesus whom you might merely know as a curse word but I know him as my dearly loved son. I sent him to earth to live free from sin, although he was tempted he did not sin. His life wasn’t easy in fact he was hated by many and even though he was equal with me he withheld his power to fulfill my will. After living and doing great things with great compassion he was accused and sentenced to death, not because he didn’t have the power to get out of death’s grips but he choose to obey me so that death could be overcome. He was beaten and nailed to a cross to take the punishment that is necessary for sin. I had him take the place for you, because I love you and want to be with you.

You might be thinking that this doesn’t make sense and you are right, this is crazy but it was done in mercy for you. I desire so much to be with you. I created you and formed you in your mother’s womb. I have made you fearlessly and wonderfully. I breathed life into your being, but sin also exists. I created you to be with me forever but sin set a distance between us. You see I am merciful, good, loving, holy and also just. There has to be payment for sin, so I paid it for you. I did something you could never do just so I could be WITH YOU. I know you might not believe all of this yet but I will spend the rest of your days on earth sending reminders to you, so that you know that I am here and I love you. I created you. I desire you to talk with me, to get to know me, to live life with me. I have always desired this. I never desired the pain that you have faced. I never wanted you to look in the mirror and see ugly but rather for you to see me because I made you in my image. Love, please give me all of your pain and all of your shame, I will provide you with a new name. No this life will not be easy and there is an enemy out there who will continue to make this life hard. But love, I am in the suffering, I am with you in the pain and I am the God of the universe who can do crazier things than you can imagine. One day you will be with me for eternity and the struggle of this life will be over. I will personally wipe away your tears because I love you. Would you please let me walk this life with you? Do you believe me when I say, I have paid the price for your sins, you are mine if you chose, and I have all you need?  My Love, come to me and know you are loved.

I love you.

Your Valentine if you choose,GOD

Just Run...... even though running sucks

I hate running, yet it teaches me so many things. I am not really great at it, meaning I am not fast and currently am pretty out of shape so a two mile jog is a lot. Also there is a mindset that I am constantly battling that tells me to just stop. Today while I was jogging I got a side ache and I wanted so badly to stop and walk the rest of the way home, but I didn't. Instead I kept going because I knew that when I got home there would be greater reward than the relief if I stopped. The pain in the moment I was able to endure because of the greater glory..... hmmm that sounds like it should be a verse..... oh wait, it is.           
2 Corinthians 4:14 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

As I was running, I was thinking about yesterday when someone sent me a verse: Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." As I was thinking about the verse it brought me peace, until the more I thought about it the more I started to make accusations to God about how he isn't showing up in my life the same ways he has before. All of the sudden, I could hear the enemy yelling at me that God's truth wasn't true because I wasn't experiencing him the same way as I had before, as well as because I haven't been taken out of this painful place yet. But just because I haven't been taken out of a place with pain, does not mean God is not near me because he is and he is transforming me. I started to realize that my thinking was one that was leading me to a lack of trust in God and that it wasn't from him so I just repeated the Psalm over and over again and held onto it as an anchor for truth because despite how I felt, God was/is building in me faith and eternal attributes rather than momentary relief. So in light of my running terms, the running I am doing in life right now freaking sucks, but there is a greater glory when I arrive home.

Even If

It has been awhile since I have last written, and it feels good to be typing again with something to say. The last three months of my life have been anything but easy, partially due to trials and circumstances and also partially due to my own choice to be angry at God and harden my heart towards him. For the last three months this passage has been on my mind and in my heart:

Daniel 3:17-18 (NLT)

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18 But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

With out going into too much detail, about three months ago I was faced with a trial and among that trial I did not hold onto God but instead I accused God of lying to me, not being good, and not being there for me. It is easy to acknowledge what God is able to do but far harder to hold fast even when he doesn't do what I want him to. I felt the fire from the furnace you could say, but instead of holding fast and never bowing down to my idols, I accused the God I love of harming me and told him that if he wasn't going to care about me and help me than I would do it on my own. But the issue with that is I pushed away my identity, I pushed away my hope, my joy, my love, and the place I go in order to love others around me. I pushed all of that away and I was left feeling empty and everyday I felt a little less valuable. The place where I placed that I had value, I pushed away and so I stopped caring about myself and my heart. Fast forward three months, and I felt so far from God and so ashamed of how far I had wandered I didn't even want to talk to him because I realized how much I didn't deserve his love. Not that I ever believe I deserve his love, but I knew I wasn't walking in a relationship with Him, and I felt like I let him down. I had not remained steadfast and when the enemy came attacking, I stopped fighting which is when I lost. Then a couple weeks ago, I remember having a really bad night and just falling to my floor and the only thing I could utter was, "save me." That was it, that was all I had to do before God reached out and won the battle for me and called me back to him. 

Now I am in a process of returning to the cross and returning to the God that I love. I am in the process of dealing with a lot of the heart issues that I stuffed away when I was angry at God because he didn't protect my heart the way that I wanted. The areas my heart was the most vulnerable were the areas that were attacked the strongest. The enemy truly does come to steal kill and destroy, but Jesus came to give me life and give it to the full and I am trying to hold onto that. I am trying to hold onto my identity as a child of God because He says so, not because of me. These verses in Daniel ring through my head every single day and they have become my prayer. 

Within the statement that Radshack, Meshach, and Abednego made they said three things:

1. They acknowledged what God is able to do. 

2. They trusted that he would do it; that he is true to his promises.

3. Then they stated that even if he doesn't do what they believe he should do, that their God was still God and they would NOT give into sin. 

So this has now become my prayer and it is helping to strengthen my faith. I can acknowledge what God is able to do, and trust that he will but I can also acknowledge that what he does might not look like my agenda. And if it doesn't go how I planned then my prayer is that God would help me to remain steadfast and not give into sin but I can not do that without a daily dependent relationship with him. I am so thankful for a Father who always has open arms and heart to teach me and remind me how much he loves me. I've begun to place his promises on my wall so that whenever I lay my head down to sleep I am reminded of who He is and who I am. 

1 Peter 5:10 "After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore , confirm, strengthen and establish you."

Amen to that. Thank you Jesus, for your grace and love. Some days heaven feels so far away, but it makes me look forward to it that much more, so even if that is my only hope, that this pain will be gone someday, than I will cling to that and try to hold tightly to my Father who never lets me go. 

Dirty Little Secret

Dear Church,

I know it's our dirty little secret but I just wanted to throw this out there that women struggle with sexual purity too. Women watch porn too; the struggle isn't just for men so why are we not talking about it? Why can we watch a four minute video before church about sexual purity within the church and it be "for men." Who do you think men are looking at? Who do you think men are having sex with? Is it their desire that is "making" women have sex or do you maybe just think that that desire is also naturally built within us. Do you think that Satan only twists that natural desire within men and not within women too? Your video pointed out that 68% of men within the church watch porn on a regular basis but did you know that about 49% of woman watch porn on a regular basis? Or that 87% of women feel or have felt "out of control" of masturbation.(http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/08/30/women-addicted-to-porn-stats/)

You would be fooling yourself if you didn't think that those women are in the church. I get it porn is a big deal for guys, temptation is all around them especially when there are half naked women walking around, but it is all around us ladies as well. With romance novels, movies like 50 shades of Grey, Magic Mike, and most romantic comedies, songs constantly focused on sex, porn being all over the internet, and sex being spoon feed to us in our society ladies are bound to struggle too. So why is there such a fight to protect men and provide them with tools to fight it and yet when it comes to women we are left on our own. We have to scroll through the internet looking for help, hoping someone blogged about it, praying that another woman is going through a similar battle. Not only that but because it isn't talked about it, it stays hidden in the dark because porn and lust is only something a man should struggle with. Yet, as a young adult I started to open up with the ladies around me and I found that they felt the exact same way. I wasn't alone. There was a lot less shame. People understood. Most young adult women I have spoken with struggle with honoring God with their sexual purity. So church can we please bring this issue to light or are we just going to keep it hidden? Can we not let it fester any longer in the dark? We need to start building community around this because we can't battle alone. We need help, we need accountability. The church has a role in helping woman fight this too, not just helping men. I am so tired of going to woman's conferences where this is never talked about. It clearly needs to be, so we need to do something about it.

Now to all the ladies who might be reading this and struggling, here are things that I have found to help.
1. Scripture, memorize it. It is the tool Jesus used in the dessert as he was being tempted. Here are a few verses that have helped me. 1 Chorinthians 6:18 "Flee from sexual immorality....." (Side note, this one was huge for me.) It says flee. Just like Joseph fled from Potipher's wife, I too need to flee. In whatever it is that might cause me to waver. In my music, my TV, my thoughts, my conversations, or circumstances, I have to chose to flee.  2 Chorinthians 5:9 "So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him." In all that I do, please him. Therefore if he is a jealous God who desires purity than I too should desire purity.
Matthew 5:28, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman (men count too) with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I mean that is straight from Jesus. That is convicting enough for me.
Basically the Bible is filled with verses that let you know God's intent towards sex within marriage and his truth. Find the verses that speak to you.

2. Community. Get into it. Find accountability. Find ladies who you can pray with. Seek it. Be open and honest. Honestly I had to pursue it. God opened the doors for it once I did, but I had to take the step in saying that I needed accountability within the area of sexual immorality.

3. Podcasts: There are some good podcasts out there that talk about purity and marriage. A recent one that I really liked was Sexuality and Christian hope by Timothy Keller. Also along this line are books, a good one that I am in the midst of reading is My Single Treasure. 

4. Prayer, and lots of it. Pray through everything. Seek out God in it. Admit your powerlessness and talk to him about your need for him in this. Pray alone, pray with people, just pray.

5. Grace. Last but not least is grace. You have already been forgiven by God so forgive yourself. This does not mean to keep on living in sin, but the reality is, is our flesh is strong. Like Paul said we are going to do the things we don't want to and the things we want to do we won't. Know that in the pursuit of following God you are going to mess up and make mistakes. Don't count it as failure. Get back up, bring it to the light and keep on walking. This battle is hard and Jesus payed for us to be able to battle. So trust in His forgiveness and grace and extend it to others and yourself.

Maybe, just maybe if enough of us rise up and stand together in this, then the church will do something about it. But the bottom line is, even if the church never brings this to light, we are still called to honor God, so fight and fight hard.

Mistaken Identity

The other night I was reading through old journals and it was so interesting to read all of my feelings at one time. One page I was talking with God and I was so sure of his love for me and the next page I felt far away from him. The glance through time where I left my emotions and thought on paper, left me remembering how uncertain emotions are and now steady and patient God is as he teaches me. I came across this poem that I had written and the emotion that I had poured out flooded me again with memories.

This weighs too heavy on my soul

I can't do this on my own

this weighs too heavy on my soul

I'm letting us go

this weighs too heavy on my soul

I've lost so much control

I'm double-faced; two lives

the dark and the light, who am I?

I don't belong in your sight 

cause here I am sitting in sin

fitly and disgusting, I could lose you

I could lose my whole world, what do I do?

I am stuck where I am at sleeping with the enemy

not being of the light

if they would ever find out I'm sure I'd die

I'm full of evil inside

shame is my name 

and now there is no where to hide. 

 I had felt so far from God. I felt so entrapped in sin and I didn't know how to get out. I felt like God couldn't love me. I felt like my identity was defined by my sin and yet it wasn't. I felt all those things but none of them were true. God still loved me and he still saw me through Jesus' blood there by defining my identity not as filthy but as his beloved child.

God's promises remained and sin didn't win. Here I am, sitting on the other side of that battle still saved and still loved. God has won me and he will never let me go. When Jesus says "My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no on can snatch them out of my Father's hand (John 10:29)" he meant it. It was a promise that he is greater than sin. That God is greater than the enemy and because I am marked by the blood of Jesus I am God's child.

Romans 8: 31-39

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Such a Time as This

Where are you right now in life? Maybe you are waiting on something or maybe you are complaining about your situation and asking God, "why". Where ever you are in life, good or bad, I believe you were placed there for a purpose. I believe in a God who is in full control and nothing happens outside of his power or his knowledge. He is all knowing and he is good, therefore where ever you are in life you can trust that God is in control.

I have been reading through Esther and Esther was taken out of her normal day life to participate in what was pretty much a competition to become the king's new wife. Esther won, but she kept hidden the fact that she was a Jew. After a decree went out to destroy the Jews, Mordecia, Esther's cousin, told her to go to the king but Esther replied that the king hadn't asked her to come in. Mordecia replied to her, "Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14)

For who knows if you were called into the exact place you are in for such a time as this? Sure, someone else will come along and tell that person about Jesus, but what if that is the very reason for your friendship? Maybe God placed you there for a reason. Or maybe you are at your job for a reason and purpose. It might not even be to tell someone about Jesus, what if it is just to be community with someone needing it? Where you are is a place that God has designed you to be. You aren't his only option but you are who he has asked and who he has chosen.

Is what Mordecai was asking Esther to do scary? Heck yeah it was. It took so much courage on her part to go and stand where the king could see her, waiting for him to invite her in. She had to be invited in. Not only that but she has to tell her husband that she is a Jew, the person that he wants to kill. She needed courage in order to do what she did. Esther had to trust that God would allow the king to see her and move in his heart to invite her in. God was fully in control of that situation. God wasn't sitting up in heaven worried that the king might not see Esther and all his plans were ruined. No! He orchestrated the whole thing, he just needed Esther to trust him. Esther could have complained about everything going on. She could have cried out to God asking him, "Why God?!?!?!" But that isn't her response. Her response is to trust in God and to move forward with what she can. That should be the response that we have too. We have been placed in the situation we are in for a reason and with purpose. Rather than complaining about where we are and not trusting God's plan for our life, we need to trust that God has placed us here for a reason. We trust him to give us the words, wisdom, and courage we need and we move forward with what we can. We trust him step by step. We do what we can in our situation because we were in fact placed here for such a time as this.